Tilting at the Digital Windmill.
Because I (and I imagine the majority of you are so sick of politics, both local and national) I would like to try to bring us together by expressing my abject frustration at the most unreliable, elusive and (I’m starting to think) truly evil necessity in our brand new post Covid-19 World.
To begin this tale, I will channel the ghost of Sophia Petrillo.
Picture it. Middletown, 1980
It was a sunny September morn and I, like many a devious child, preferred laying on the couch, watching Sale of the Century and being waited on with ginger ale and rye toast to the horror of actually donning my plaid kilt attending St. Mary’s Elementary school.
So I mess up my hair, splash my face with warm water and put on my saddest poor me face for effect and mope over to my mom and muster up the words in my best downtrodden voice ‘Mommy (always use the extra M-Y for maximum adorability) I think I’m too sick to go to school.’
And my mom, like most moms at 7am , would bore her eyes into me, raise the back of her hand to my forehead, look up to the sky, for what I can only assume was divine intervention of some kind, remove her hand and declare in a bone chilling whisper growl she reserved for such situations. ‘98.6 No fever. Go get dressed for school now!’
Ahhh, the good old days, when the back of mom’s hand could be trusted to assess a fever from her child within a 10th of a degree.
Well, in a post Covid-19 world, trusting mom’s hand doesn’t seem to inspire the kind of medical accuracy of the digital thermometer for assessing a child’s readiness for school...
Or does it?
Back in March when this nightmare started, it occurred to me that I had been channelling my mom’s hand method for temperature taking too long and I needed to join the 21st century by purchasing a digital thermometer. And thus began a 5 month long war with thermometers.
At first, thermometers went the way of toilet paper, paper towels and those $4 cans of lemon scented Lysol spray ( oh, how I long for lemon scented Lysol, but I digress). So I started to search on Amazon, as well as scour the Food Stores and Pharmacies at 7am to no avail. I finally came across one on Amazon towards the end of March.
Eureka! This was it. Sure, it was $25 bits for a 7 dollar thermometer but this was my chance. And then I looked at the delivery date. April 22. So prime wasn’t my friend today but I ordered it anyway. And while temperatures everywhere were being taken daily in the midst of a pandemic by good moms who already had prepared for such catastrophes, I waited 3 weeks and still kept an eye out at stores cause I could have 2! And then I’d be the best Corona mom ever! But #2 eluded me as well.
April 22 comes and I get my thermometer. I do a quick check and I’m 96.4. Okay. Just needs a minute to heat up. Hmmm now I’m 97.1. Well maybe it’s just me. I test it on my daughter. 94.2.
After screaming some words worthy of my dad trying to fix the TV antenna in 1979, I pack up my thermometer, write a scathing review on Amazon and return my first ever package from Prime, which on a side note was incredibly easy using the UPS Store.
Back to the drawing board. After 2 more unsuccessful tries with Amazon products I had to return, I decide I am just cheap. I am going to splurge for the super duper $100 thermometer with an oral AND forehead reading. Just like the doctors use. Cause its May now. I’ve been watching cable news daily for months and I am a Covid expert and I deserve the expert thermometer, Damn it. Aaand June 14th delivery date. Okay. I wait. Continue searching. Buy 2 more from the food store in the mean time. Both suck. And not nearly as easy to return, as I can’t find shoes this far into Covid, let alone a Shoprite receipt from yesterday.
If you’re keeping track that’s Mom-0 Thermometers-5.
But that’s all going to change. I spent 100 bucks on the Medi-Fast Professional Grade Thermometer with a 5 Star Amazon rating. Yup. Who’s the shitty mom now? Not this lady.
I think you can well guess how that turned out. Long story short, I got a letter from Amazon complaining I am on their radar for returning too many items. And mind you, I have never, ever returned anything before this. And I like my Amazon shopping.
So I throw my hands up in defeat. I’m done. I’ll just wait til one of the 300 CVS’s in Middletown has them back a month or two from now and try again.
And then Middletown Schools announce the dreaded temperature check form for sports and re-entry. And I die a little inside because I have to rage a new thermometer war for my freakin precious miracles to participate in life again. And I’m a hard core rule follower so the back of the hand isn’t going to cut it.
Okay deep breaths. I’m going old school this time . I start searching for a straight up mercury thermometer. But apparently, they don’t make them anymore. They can kill you or some such nonsense if they break, or so I’m told by a condescending 14 year-old girl with green streaks in her hair at the pharmacy.
My mom recently passed away and I’m cleaning out her bathroom in tears and then the heavens opened up and there like a beacon of light is an old school mercury thermometer. After a thorough cleaning while I giggle like a hyena through tears, I test it out and guess what? A perfect temperature. Thank you, mom! I’m going old school and it may not be as accurate as my mom’s hand, but my war with thermometers has come to a victorious end.
But, here’s the thing. I refuse to believe I am the only one fighting this unending battle.
When I would visit my mom in the hospital, I would have to stand for a full body temperature scan and more often than not, I would read 101 or higher. And then they would have me sit for a minute and it would go down to normal. The attendant would blame the 100ft walk from my car and I’d be on my way. I’m no virologist, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how fevers work.
Recently, I read an account of a women in Middletown whose child was turned away from orientation because the thermometer read a fever, he came back a few minutes later and didn't register a fever and was still denied access to the orientation.
My husband works in NYC and each building he enters, he has to get a bracelet with his temperature check written on it. He comes home looking like he just got done club hopping in 1989, with all the bracelets. And when I look at them, I often see temperatures ranging from 96.2 to 98.7. And some are taken less than 15 minutes apart. Fun fact: if you google 96 degree body temperature, one of the first entries is about hypothermia.
I don’t have any witty conclusion for this blog. Or even any answers.
I am aware of the danger if my old school thermometer breaks. I’ve done the risk/reward assessment for my family. And I’m good with it. I’m not advocating this is the answer for anyone.
I guess I’m just sharing my experience so maybe, we as parents, can let ourselves off the hook from time to time. Nothing about life with Covid has been easy for any of us. And having the right thermometer was never going to make me a better mom. We are all just doing the best we can. So with school opening next week, in whatever form, maybe the lesson here is nobody has all the answers and nothing is 100% accurate, not even digital technology. So maybe, we just try to be a little kinder to each other as the school year unfolds because I think we all are tilting at a digital windmill in our own way.
Or, (and this is a real possibility)it’s just me and the Thermometer War has broken me completely.
Thanks for reading! Please share and help Keep Middletown Informed
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